Fear

I still get scared walking in the woods sometimes. I can feel the churning of my fear within my body. If its not digested properly it gets projected outwards, the presence of the trees shifts from benevolent to looming. The shapes change and I begin to see faces that are distorted in anger, fear, and sadness. These are hard walks to take. Especially at night.

I start the walk of excited for the transformation of moonlight, the thought that this moonlight will cleanse the ick out of me. But that is not what moonlight does.

I feel the fear in my stomach, a tension there. I clench my teeth, I look up at the moon for reassurance to begin on the trail head. It only glows. I take a deep breath and tell myself I have no reason to be afraid, and plunge down into the trees onto the shadow stripped path. Focusing on my breath, and my steps I manage to contain the fear, subdue it, for now. The trees open up and it is bright all around, for a moment Wonder replaces all other sensations and I spin slowly to take in all the light, the glittering brightness of moonlit snow.

I should have been happy for that moment of bliss and walked back home then, but my mind was under the drug of SHOULD and so I pressed on. Up into another forested area of mostly shadow, my fear gurgled and churned in my body, I felt my hyper vigilance kick on and my eyes scanned for moose shapes, my ears so intent they were inventing sounds. I stop at the top of the hill to listen closely and breath. I SHOULDNT be afraid, there is no reason for it. push it down walk it off.

SHOULDS will cloud you mind in a thousand and one ways. For me in particular there is the thought that I SHOULD be able to go walk in the woods whenever I want. To be fair to myself, if needed I can, but SHOULDS don’t care about ideal situations, listening to your body or what its telling you. SHOULDS are EGO Demanding reinforcements. So I went on and on, until the walk became so unpleasant that my feet simply stopped going forward until I resolved to turn around.

This walk full of fear was not without its merits, I did learn that I could step through fear, I could push myself through and past it. The grit of it was unpleasant but I now know what pushing through fear feels like and that I can do it.

I have learned that moonlight walks are for the joyous parts in me. To truly enjoy a moonlit walk I must be free of clinging fears, and SHOULDs. My body must be a vehicle of Joy and exploration. I must feel the sparkle with in me calling out to the sparkling of the snow, letting it pull me giggling into the woods. If I have even the inkling of that churning fear, the smallest hesitance; waiting to walk in the sunlight is the right thing to do. Even though there are only so many full moon winter walks to be had in the season, it is not a time for SHOULDs. The only thing worse than missing an opportunity to walk in a winter Full Moon, is going for a walk and being unable to enjoy it.